The impending doom of Americans and why McDonald's treats us like idiots.

It was the billboard that did it for me. The double-sided billboard on the highway. Side one: the McDonald's logo with a fruit smoothie. The second side? McDonald's and apples. 

Come on. 

McDonald's can't sit here and tell me that people think apples when they think of McDonald's. I would interview the first person who said, "hey dude, let's hit up Micky D's because I'm stoned and craving apples," if I knew where to find people who never existed. Should you even consider McDonald's apples to be real fruit? Does real fruit contain more than one ingredient? I enjoy my apple when it contains apple, not apple with calcium ascorbate (a blend of calcium and vitamin C to maintain color).

Let's not forget about the silly page on the McDonald's website about the Ready Pac recall for those tasty apples. The apples were delivered to certain states and may have possibly been tainted with Listeria. But don't worry, McDonald's will do nothing to inform you about the Listeria part — you'll have to seek out that information beyond the online arches. 

And fruit smoothies? I'll come back to writing this in an hour so I have time to stop laughing. 

Dear McDonald's, your ingredient list mistakenly has "Strawberry Banana Fruit Base" in the spot where "Strawberries, Bananas" is supposed to go. Oh ok, it wasn't a mistake and you're just gross. Got it. 

All of the fruit smoothies start with some kind of "base" but no actual, wholesome fruit. Mango Pineapple Fruit Base. Wild Berry Fruit Base. Cherry Berry Flavored Juice Blend Base. A juice base blend? Sounds apocalyptic. Let's get into the ingredients of the ingredients. Here is the Wild Berry Fruit Base, beginning to death:

"Strawberry puree, water, blackberry puree, blueberry puree, grape juice concentrate, clarified demineralized pineapple juice..." Hold the phone. Let's Google "demineralized pineapple juice" so we can giggle together real quick. 

The second and third links post-search already pertain to McDonald's. Searching for "demineralized juice" brings you some great info about how your body can be demineralized and how it's a bad thing. Go America for letting companies eject nutrients right out of ingredients, giving the human body not even the slightest chance to absorb anything beneficial. Continue.

"Sugar, pineapple juice concentrate, contains less than 1% of the following: natural (botanical source - oh em gee, it grew once!) and artificial flavors, cellulose powder, peach juice concentrate, pear juice concentrate, xanthan gum, pectin, colored with fruit and vegetable juice, citric acid."

Coolio. When I make a smoothie I use a banana, strawberries, almond milk and some organic honey. But that's just me and I'm all picky about not wanting cancer when I'm 40 and shit. 

For your first horrified laugh of the day, check out all of the ingredients used in everything McDonald's (Warning: not suitable for humans): 

http://nutrition.mcdonalds.com/getnutrition/ingredientslist.pdf

Neat link about cancer and things the U.S. government lets people eat: http://www.breastcancerfund.org/clear-science/chemicals-linked-to-breast-cancer/food/

Listeria! McDonald's! Yum! http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-08-10/ready-pac-apples-shipped-to-mcdonald-s-recalled-for-listeria-1-.html

Where to apply for a passport: http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/get_4855.html