Local Munchtime: Dragon Phoenix in Tyrone and why you should call them.

Being that I have three jobs  one of which I don't even get paid for  it's no surprise that when Saturday seeps in, it's five-star Lazy Time. When my favorite boy arrives, Lazy Time morphs into Slugville, where the most strenuous activity obtained is screaming at Crash Bandicoot on my Playstation 2 while waiting for pork fried rice to drive itself to my door step.

Don't get me wrong — chinese take-out will always remain a total carb salad with a side of sodium. But sometimes Sweet-n-Sour meat and Krab Rangoon is the only cure for... anything. As most chinese restaurants and platters tend to overlap with similar taste and options, it can be hard to find that one establishment that steals your heart while putting you at risk for heart disease regularly (but you like it). 

The answer, my friends, is Dragon Phoenix on Bay Pines Boulevard.

Sweet-n-Sour is my jam all the way, but sometimes I have a hard time choosing between chicken or pork. I've asked places to make exceptions for me, offered to pay nonsense upcharges and have even been turned away from the dinner combo I so desire. Dragon Phoenix will give me both in one dinner, as well as a spring roll instead of an egg roll. I usually ask to switch my egg roll to a spring, but Dragon Phoenix just knows. 

Their side of Krab Rangoon comes with TEN pieces. Ten. Not four or six. But actually enough to split with someone and enjoy as the integrity of a side dish should be comprised. The dinner comes perfectly compacted in a microwavable tray, with pork fried rice that wasn't rushed in the kitchen; when I get pork fried rice as a pile of firm, separated tidbits inedible with the prongs of a fork, it makes my soul die a little. And the bites of pork are actual bites that you can stab and put in your mouth instead of bacon bits spray painted like pork. 

Not only are the standard dinner essentials present, but Dragon Phoenix dinners also include soup (the egg drop is killer) and those crunchy noodle-chip things that resemble Fritos but don't make me feel like a fat American after consumption. And for thirteen bucks? Sign me up. Forever.

Dragon Phoenix
9621 Bay Pines Boulevard
St. Petersburg, FL 33708


I'm not embarrassed to say I'm a Friends fiend.

I am embarrassed to say that I've seen so many reruns that Rachel and Ross have given conflicting birthdays in different episodes. For example, in The One With Joey's New Girlfriend, Rachel tells Gunther her birthday is May 5th, but in the episode where she's pulled over in Monica's Porsche by Sergeant Sagittarius, it's stated that she is in fact an Aquarius. 

When Ross starts to mention his birthday to Gunther, he only gets to "December..." before Gunther storms off, blatantly caring only about his creepy infatuation with Rachel. Episodes later, Ross claims his birthday as a specific date in October that would make him a Libra. I can't remember the exact date at this millisecond in time, but when I heard it, I cross-checked a Zodiac website to see if that would make him a Libra because I'm sick and need help.

I know I blame a galaxy full of problems on my mother, but I'm not going to dismiss this opportunity to blame this one on her as well. As my friend Brian would say, "Here's some deep-seated psychosis, ya'll! Pull up a chair." 

I remember clapping along (well, the four claps) to the Friends theme song with my mom before I was even old enough to understand the condom jokes. When Chandler regretted buying that 12-pack of condoms is when my mom explained, "it's a balloon thing that the man puts on his penis to have sex." I still laugh every time Chandler has his regrets about the dozen condoms. And now, I even understand why men need balloon things to have sex. I also know that thinner balloon things are for the better, but that's besides the point I'm making here people. 

The point is, not one person should know that Friends airs on CW, TBS and Nickelodeon every weekday, nor should they be able to recite the lineup. I won't recite the lineup per channel, but I will say that I am strangely proud of being one in a crowd that realizes when Nickelodeon stops airing Friends 11:00 pm - 1:00 am, so it can start airing That 70's Show 12:00 am - 1:00 am instead. That shit only lasted a week before the two-hour Friends mini-marathon returned every night. 

And that's why there should be sitcom psyche wards.