The mobile phone industry is a bunch of balls: How the iPhone is ruining it for the rest of us.

Ok so no joke, I was at this Halloween party livin' it up as Sherlock Holmes (old school with a trench coat, not that new age Robert Downey shit) when it came time to show off my giant magnifying glass to the crowd. I had about nine things in each pocket because lol trench coat, but when I whipped out the magnifying glass my phone came with it, meeting my friend's beer-soaked tile floor.

*CROWD GASP* (I swear even the music cut out but maybe that was in my head)

No it's cool guys, it's a Motorola Flipside!

After the surrounding sighs of relief, I showed off my 2-year-old cell with screen still intact and minor dings. The back fell off but the battery stayed put, letting me show off my resilient device after a what-would-be lethal fall for any iPhone owner.

The party convo switches to the iPhone and my friend holds up her cracked Apple cell with a sad face.

I mean, I get it. The iPhone is popular. People feel better about themselves when they get the latest whatever that costs half their rent. It's got the Facebook attitude (personalize this cool thing that everyone else has!) with the tech-savvy I'm so cool with my iTunes on hand popularity.

And let's just get this out in the open right now: I'm not against Apple. I have an iPod and a Macbook. But when I see ten people with an iPhone and eight of them have to manuever their fingers around shards of glass to send a text, that's enough evidence to know that I would rather eat a glass sandwich than ever purchase an iPhone.

The problem is, because people are stupid and fall for this shit, the smartphone market is jumping on the bandwagon to mimic this craptastic Apple baby that everyone must have.

Now it's time for me to upgrade from my beloved Motorola Flipside and I'm shocked to say that there is absolutely nothing that I want. I'm a Motorola girl, so my first instinct was to go for the Atrix. But what's the screen made out of?

 "Gorilla Glass 1," said the unhappy AT&T salesman who thought my question was too complicated because it required research.

So what's the iPhone made out of?

"Gorilla Glass 2! Well, the new iPhone. The older ones are made with Gorilla Glass 1. It's the most durable material for smartphones today."

Ok, I don't want this phone. What else you got?

"Well the iPhone is the — "

No. I don't want an iPhone or anything made out of Gorilla Glass. Or regular glass. What phones do you have that aren't made out of glass?

"Did you read any reviews before you came in today? Because I can't really stand here and research what every screen is made of."

Well, I can't pay your water bill this month.

Upon personal research (since talking to an AT&T representative who specializes in cell phones was way too complicated) it's come to light that almost every single smartphone is now made out of Gorilla Glass. Check it:


The Atrix. HTC One X. Samsung Galaxy SIII. LG Optimus. Nokia Lumia 900.

Every decent smartphone I've looked at is made of glass. Unless you want a fucking Jitterbug the mobile phone industry is pulling you in. THEN SHATTERING YOUR DREAMS.

Heh. Get it? Shattering? Nevermind.

I would just like to give a big thanks to Apple for fucking me in my next cell phone venture and props to AT&T and Best Buy Mobile for having uneducated pieces of shit that disregard my actual questions while pointing me to the nearest iPhone. I am sad to say that even avoiding the iPhone now will not help me. Phones are made of expensive material that is total shit, so companies can charge you a bunch for shiny new shit and then charge you again when your shitty shit breaks.

"Well, you can always buy a case or an Otterbox, Nicole."

Yeah, my friend bought one. The price of her iPhone Otterbox was more than my entire phone bill for the month, and maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but that's fucking bonkers.

Next time guys, instead of paying $100 for a cell phone case, how about you just pay my entire phone bill. Then take me to Outback Steakhouse. Then kill yourself.