Despite odd opening bands and on-stage mishaps, Alkaline Trio rocks the House of Blues harder than you could kick rocks.
Around 9:30 pm., Matt, Dan and Derek finally took the stage after hours of waiting between sets and what-the-fuck bands.
The first performance was made of up of British men playing musical instruments, while the singer literally pranced around center stage.
During one of the songs mid-performance, the singer grabs a tambourine to accompany his lackluster voice and mediocre lyrics that have been vomited across other mediocre bands of the Mediocre Era. The only thing that I liked about this performance was one of the band members accidentally kicking a mic stand and hitting a front row Alk fan in the face. I didn't see it happen as my friends did, but the kid ended up in the VIP section right below me with bandages covering his nose.
VIP? Maybe I'll slip on a beer puddle next time.
At the end of their final song, the singer's set ends and he skips-to-my-lou off stage, to let the instrumentals take over -- if only they had done that at the beginning of the show. The group might have a chance in the music industry if they axe their current vocals. The band name remains unknown to me and I don't care so much that I'm not even going to look it up.
Cursive, the second band, at least has the intriguing factor going for them. Their songs sound purposefully off-tune, but in a catchy fashion. The lighting techniques and awkward use of keyboard effects and trumpet spurts compliments the performance of songs like Mama, I'm Swollen: "I am the egg/ I am the spark/ The fire in the dark/ I am fertilized/ Fully actualized/ A loaded gun/ Born 'neath a blood red sun."
As the singer flails with his guitar under the intense red glow and screams "Beat of the blood red sun," over and over, I slowly start to feel like I'm at some kind of religious sacrifice with dying goats all around me. It's the same feeling I get when I listen to Pink Floyd and other trippy bands. They weren't bad.
Once the Trio symbol starts glowing above the empty stage, I know all is about to be right with the world. The Heart & Skull image inked on the back of my neck starts to glow, also.
Matt and Dan take the stage in their new Mickey Mouse t-shirts and Derek plops down at his home behind the drums. Skiba gives a quick "hi" into the microphone before their intro, This Addiction, starts shaking the House walls. When the first song is the new hit single, you know the encore is going to be awesome.
"So I took mushrooms and went to Disney World today," Skiba blurts into the microphone before the next song. "Disney World is awesome on shrooms. They haven't quite worn off yet, so if it seems like I'm on shrooms, it's cuz I am. This songs called Armageddon."
The 21-song set-list was an almost perfect mix of older tunes with the new, shiny ones. They played songs from From Here to Infirmary, Good Mourning and my personal favorite, God Damnit. Thankfully, they only played one song each from Agony & Irony and Crimson (my two least favorite albums), but they were the tracks that I liked the most from those CDs.
In one of the Trio's new songs, Lead Poisoning, they have a short horn section in the middle of the track, which is a route they've never taken before. The always-grim lyrics mixed with a new upbeat instrument was definitely one of the highlighted tid-bits of the new album. I just hope they don't go overboard with it.
As my friend Adam storms out of the venue to smoke a cigarette, the trumpet player from Cursive waddles out to the front mic to play the 30-second horn section of the song. Some fans are offended because this short alteration does not make them a trio.
My friend Amber and I decide to skank in support.
During In Vein, a plaid-shirted Alk fan somehow avoids all HOB security and finagles his way on stage. He runs in between Matt and Dan, points at the screaming crowd and dives in. An assembly line of orange guards rush to the front as the kid escapes into a sea of tattooed limbs and crowd surfers.
Matt starts laughing when the song ends. "I'm proud of you," he proclaims to the anonymous stage diver. "I feel like I just gave birth to an illegitimate son; I dedicate this next song to you. It's called Fuck You Aurora." I laugh when Skiba sings, "the cutest stage diver I've ever seen" instead of the cutest grave digger.
The gig continues with Mourning melodies like 100 Stories and Continental and Skiba finds stray ammunition on stage. "Hey, whoever lost your .45 caliber bullet, don't worry," he said. He tucks it in his left pocket. "It's right here."
"This is the first time we've ever had bras. . . and bullets on stage," he said.
They go on with Nose Over Tail and I can't help but play every chord on my imaginary strings against the wood railing in front of me. Nose Over Tail and Cringe are the first fast-paced songs I ever learned to play on my Fender Squier. I've yet to hear Cringe played in front of me.
However, I finally got to hear Skiba's love song about pot, 97, played live.
They exit the stage as if we don't know there's going to be an amazing encore. After minutes of drunken fans screaming for one more song, they come back and switch positions. Skibas now on drums, Andriano on guitar and Grant is on bass.
They open with one of Andriano's tunes from the new CD, Fine, and I still get chills when he sings "aces in a... Deck." They follow it up with a cover of the Misfits's Angelfuck, with Derek on vocals. It was cool to see him step out from behind the drum set and take the lead.
They switch back to their normal spots and move on to Blue in the Face.
For the final hoorah, they woo the fans with My Friend Peter and go out with a bang. I go apeshit, because this is one of the songs I obsess over and play repeatedly in my living room when nobody is home. It's the first song I ever learned how to sing and play at the same time.
"I need a beer to wash it all away without a trace. And I'll drink 23 more to wipe this stupid smile off my fucking face."
Set list
1. This Addiction
2. Armageddon
3. Dine, Dine My Darling
4. Mr. Chainsaw
5. Lead Poisoning
6. We've Had Enough
7. Dead on the Floor
8. Fatally Yours
9. Crawl
10. In Vein
11. Fuck You Aurora
12. Another Innocent Girl
13. Continental
14. 100 Stories
15. Sadie
16. Nose Over Tail
17. 97
Encore:
Fine
Misfits cover of Angelfuck
Blue in the Face
My Friend Peter
`
2.16.2010
$22,500 a song? No thank you. I'll stick with my crappy, legal software.
Copyright Infringement
“Student who illegally downloaded music ordered to pay $675k”
Joel Tenenbaum, a Boston University graduate student is being ordered to pay four record labels for illegally downloading and distributing 30 songs on a peer-to-peer music website. Jurors decided that $22,500 is a reasonable fine for each song that represents willful copyright infringement. He has admitted to downloading over 800 songs throughout the years and is still fighting this lawsuit that would eventually lead this 25-year-old to bankruptcy.
Tenenbaum’s decision to argue fair use was declined in court. According to the textbook, fair use is a test used to determine whether or not infringement exists in a situation involving use of a copyrighted work. Tenenbaum argued that although he did download the songs for free, he did not download entire albums, which would hurt an artists’ market even more. He also said that his use of the material was not for commercial use, which is often the case with infringement lawsuits.
According to the textbook, I’ve noticed that the following criteria are examined when trying to determine fair use:
1. The purpose and character of the use: In Tenenbaum’s case, the use was for nonprofit, personal enjoyment. However, downloading free songs does not have an educational, critical, or research purpose, either.
2. The nature of the copyrighted work: This is more clearly defined as factual information v. creative works. Music is harder to define because it is solely a creative work, whereas a factual document could be dissected to determine amount of material used and whether fair use is present.
3. The amount and substantiality of the portion used: As Tenenbaum argued, he downloaded individual songs only and not entire albums from the website. His logic is probably centered around factual fair use examples, where a few paragraphs from a book can be used in a classroom discussion or a few minutes of a videotape can be used for news purposes. However, I think which songs he downloaded should also be taken into account. Were they the hit singles from the albums? Some of the most legendary songs by the artists?
· Upon further research, I found that the songs Tenenbaum is being sued for downloading are songs from popular rock bands like Nirvana and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Songs like Nirvana’s “Come as you are” and the Chili Pepper’s “Californication” are indeed, radio-hit songs.
4. The effect on the plaintiff’s potential market: Tenenbaum argued that the reason behind his song-sharing was to let his friends and family enjoy the music and added, "that is, the very use for which the artist or copyright holder is entitled to expect payment as a reward." The textbook states that using the most important information from a copyrighted source, even if the amount is acceptable , does not constitute fair use. Quoting the last line of a mystery novel could hurt the author’s profit on future sales of that book, so why wouldn’t free hit singles hurt the purchase of an album?
With more factors tilting outside of his favor, fair use was not considered a valid defense in this case. Tenenbaum was ordered to pay $22,500 for each song and act of willful infringement.
In some articles, it mentions that Tenenbaum was using a Swedish file sharing website to download his music for free. Upon further research, I’ve found that the popular website Kazaa is the mp3 system that Tenenbaum was using. Why didn’t the website itself get dragged into this case?
Napster was an illegal peer-to-peer file sharing network, just like Kazaa. Napster was aware that it was allowing users to commit copyright infringement, as it was the sole purpose of the website. The recording industry sued Napster for allowing the infringement to continue.
Why isn’t the RIAA trying to kill the symptom, but not the cause? Tenenbaum would have never committed infringement if this site did not exist and allow it to happen. And oh yea, is Tenenbaum the only user on the Kazaa interface to download songs illegally? Since this is a Swedish-based operation, I’m surprised that there is no issue involving the Berne Convention and the fact that Kazaa is letting users download illegal songs from artists all over the world.
Decades ago, before mp3s and file sharing lawsuits emerged, music buffs relied on compact cassette tapes to pay and play their musical interests. They were also used to record songs from the radio.
When Sony invented the VCR, they were sued for copyright infringement because users could record copies of television programs. The court decided that although users could make unauthorized copies of shows or aired movies, this was not the sole purpose of the VCR and Sony did not encourage users to do so. VCRs were used for more “time-shifting” purposes, so viewers could watch programs at a later time.
Were audio cassettes also used for time-shifting purposes? Could that be considered fair use as well? What’s the difference between downloading a song off of a free internet website and recording it from a free source, such as the radio? Even the concept of TiVo is still an undecided factor under copyright law.
The concept of internet downloading may need another examination under the copyright looking glass.
Sources
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RIAA_v._Tenenbaum
http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/news.aspx?id=21943 – Student who illegally downloaded music ordered to pay $675k
http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/news.aspx?id=22380 – Student ordered to destroy illegally downloaded music files
Textbook: The Law of Journalism & Mass Communication
“Student who illegally downloaded music ordered to pay $675k”
Joel Tenenbaum, a Boston University graduate student is being ordered to pay four record labels for illegally downloading and distributing 30 songs on a peer-to-peer music website. Jurors decided that $22,500 is a reasonable fine for each song that represents willful copyright infringement. He has admitted to downloading over 800 songs throughout the years and is still fighting this lawsuit that would eventually lead this 25-year-old to bankruptcy.
Tenenbaum’s decision to argue fair use was declined in court. According to the textbook, fair use is a test used to determine whether or not infringement exists in a situation involving use of a copyrighted work. Tenenbaum argued that although he did download the songs for free, he did not download entire albums, which would hurt an artists’ market even more. He also said that his use of the material was not for commercial use, which is often the case with infringement lawsuits.
According to the textbook, I’ve noticed that the following criteria are examined when trying to determine fair use:
1. The purpose and character of the use: In Tenenbaum’s case, the use was for nonprofit, personal enjoyment. However, downloading free songs does not have an educational, critical, or research purpose, either.
2. The nature of the copyrighted work: This is more clearly defined as factual information v. creative works. Music is harder to define because it is solely a creative work, whereas a factual document could be dissected to determine amount of material used and whether fair use is present.
3. The amount and substantiality of the portion used: As Tenenbaum argued, he downloaded individual songs only and not entire albums from the website. His logic is probably centered around factual fair use examples, where a few paragraphs from a book can be used in a classroom discussion or a few minutes of a videotape can be used for news purposes. However, I think which songs he downloaded should also be taken into account. Were they the hit singles from the albums? Some of the most legendary songs by the artists?
· Upon further research, I found that the songs Tenenbaum is being sued for downloading are songs from popular rock bands like Nirvana and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Songs like Nirvana’s “Come as you are” and the Chili Pepper’s “Californication” are indeed, radio-hit songs.
4. The effect on the plaintiff’s potential market: Tenenbaum argued that the reason behind his song-sharing was to let his friends and family enjoy the music and added, "that is, the very use for which the artist or copyright holder is entitled to expect payment as a reward." The textbook states that using the most important information from a copyrighted source, even if the amount is acceptable , does not constitute fair use. Quoting the last line of a mystery novel could hurt the author’s profit on future sales of that book, so why wouldn’t free hit singles hurt the purchase of an album?
With more factors tilting outside of his favor, fair use was not considered a valid defense in this case. Tenenbaum was ordered to pay $22,500 for each song and act of willful infringement.
In some articles, it mentions that Tenenbaum was using a Swedish file sharing website to download his music for free. Upon further research, I’ve found that the popular website Kazaa is the mp3 system that Tenenbaum was using. Why didn’t the website itself get dragged into this case?
Napster was an illegal peer-to-peer file sharing network, just like Kazaa. Napster was aware that it was allowing users to commit copyright infringement, as it was the sole purpose of the website. The recording industry sued Napster for allowing the infringement to continue.
Why isn’t the RIAA trying to kill the symptom, but not the cause? Tenenbaum would have never committed infringement if this site did not exist and allow it to happen. And oh yea, is Tenenbaum the only user on the Kazaa interface to download songs illegally? Since this is a Swedish-based operation, I’m surprised that there is no issue involving the Berne Convention and the fact that Kazaa is letting users download illegal songs from artists all over the world.
Decades ago, before mp3s and file sharing lawsuits emerged, music buffs relied on compact cassette tapes to pay and play their musical interests. They were also used to record songs from the radio.
When Sony invented the VCR, they were sued for copyright infringement because users could record copies of television programs. The court decided that although users could make unauthorized copies of shows or aired movies, this was not the sole purpose of the VCR and Sony did not encourage users to do so. VCRs were used for more “time-shifting” purposes, so viewers could watch programs at a later time.
Were audio cassettes also used for time-shifting purposes? Could that be considered fair use as well? What’s the difference between downloading a song off of a free internet website and recording it from a free source, such as the radio? Even the concept of TiVo is still an undecided factor under copyright law.
The concept of internet downloading may need another examination under the copyright looking glass.
Sources
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RIAA_v._Tenenbaum
http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/news.aspx?id=21943 – Student who illegally downloaded music ordered to pay $675k
http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/news.aspx?id=22380 – Student ordered to destroy illegally downloaded music files
Textbook: The Law of Journalism & Mass Communication
2.02.2010
Bayboro Tavern Update
Speaking of contaminated food and bacteria festivals, I've recently discovered how to access a buffett of public records. One section of which, includes restaurant inspections and health code violations. Let us rejoice together, shall we?
08A-28-1
Critical. Observed food stored on floor. bucket of pickles [walk in cooler]
I always thought their pickles tasted a bit. . . iffy. Sometimes they tasted amazing, sometimes they had a subtle hint of Windex in their seedy flesh. But either way, lawl.
09-03-1
Critical. Observed nonready-to-eat food handled by employees without the use of gloves, deli paper, scoops, tongs or other utensils. placing shredded cheese on top of chili with bare hands
Oh my! This was dated 2-23-2009. Almost a year ago. How many years has this been USFSP's favorite place?
12A-22-1
Critical. Observed food employee touching ready-to-eat food with their bare hands and the establishment has no approved Alternative Operating Procedure. placing shredded cheese on top of chili with bare hands
Again with the manhandling of the cheese. How does a place not get shut down for repeated violations like this?
14-49-1
Observed single-use containers (boxes and/or cans) reused for the storage of food. opened can labeled 'diced tomato' contains kidney beans [walk in cooler]
Wow. Not only is that completely disgusting, but also kind of stingy. I at least want my current dining situation to have kidney beans in their own personal can. Penny-pinching and dirty? Or just ungodly lazy?
29-02-1
Observed toilet stopped with tissue [womens restroom]
Ok, it happens. I blame the customers. And I honestly DON'T want the employees to clean the bathrooms if they aren't using a fucking pair of gloves.
50-08-1
Critical. Establishment operating without a current Hotel and Restaurant license. expired 2/01/09 total amt due by 2/28 $ 323.00 [incl $50 late fee] This violation must be corrected by : 4/23/09 .
Idiots?
08A-28-1
Critical. Observed food stored on floor. bucket of pickles [walk in cooler]
I always thought their pickles tasted a bit. . . iffy. Sometimes they tasted amazing, sometimes they had a subtle hint of Windex in their seedy flesh. But either way, lawl.
09-03-1
Critical. Observed nonready-to-eat food handled by employees without the use of gloves, deli paper, scoops, tongs or other utensils. placing shredded cheese on top of chili with bare hands
Oh my! This was dated 2-23-2009. Almost a year ago. How many years has this been USFSP's favorite place?
12A-22-1
Critical. Observed food employee touching ready-to-eat food with their bare hands and the establishment has no approved Alternative Operating Procedure. placing shredded cheese on top of chili with bare hands
Again with the manhandling of the cheese. How does a place not get shut down for repeated violations like this?
14-49-1
Observed single-use containers (boxes and/or cans) reused for the storage of food. opened can labeled 'diced tomato' contains kidney beans [walk in cooler]
Wow. Not only is that completely disgusting, but also kind of stingy. I at least want my current dining situation to have kidney beans in their own personal can. Penny-pinching and dirty? Or just ungodly lazy?
29-02-1
Observed toilet stopped with tissue [womens restroom]
Ok, it happens. I blame the customers. And I honestly DON'T want the employees to clean the bathrooms if they aren't using a fucking pair of gloves.
50-08-1
Critical. Establishment operating without a current Hotel and Restaurant license. expired 2/01/09 total amt due by 2/28 $ 323.00 [incl $50 late fee] This violation must be corrected by : 4/23/09 .
Idiots?
1.31.2010
"Can you describe the wallet ma'am?"
"It's the one that says Bad Mutha Fucka," I say into my shitty Verizon cell phone, complete with a cracked plastic screen and my last shred of patience needed to deal with cell phone companies. I can't believe I have to drive back to Lakeland. It feels like I've spent the past 2 days glued to my passenger seat.
I don't like to be the one driving on road trips; I have the sense of direction of a compass out of the 99 cent bin at Big Lots. I don't mind letting my friends drive the Hell Boy, though.
"I'm famished," I say to Sarah, as I suck the last drop of juice off of my blue raspberry Ring Pop. We need sustenance and everyone is hell-bent on going to Wendy's.
I haven't eaten there in over 7 years. My mom and I went to a local Wendy's for lunch one day and watched flies buzz around after the cashier released them from the locked compartment of the trash bin. And oh, the smell. The rotting stench of Heinz 57, stale bread crumbles and masticated cow, conveniently located in an accessible black sack, easily exposing the oxygen in that public eating establishment. I want Five Guys.
We pull off of a random exit on 275 and Sarah drops me off in front of Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Sarah, Amber and Jenny head to Wendy's Shithole as I bee-line towards the counter for a real burger. My taste buds still house a tangy raspberry flavor. My face looks like I've just eaten a Smurf, but my lingering hangover cures the need for me to care.
I grab my new bag of grease to nurture last night's blood alcohol concentration, take a quick piss and jump back into my Suzuki that Sarah has gracefully swung into the parking lot.
Last night reached monumental proportions. The Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando will for sure be an annual woo-let's-spend-money-and-get-shit-housed kind of bonding thing for myself and the best friends a person could wish for and actually receive.
Last year Jenny and I celebrated a birthday weekend Hard Rock style. And since we found cockroaches and bed bugs in our room, we figured we would wait a whole year to use our free night stay and do it again.
It started in the room this year. Cherry Sprite bombs and Parrot Bay. Hypnotic and Captain Morgan. Vodka, vodka and. . .
"It's your birthdays?!" said the jolly fat man at CityWalk box office. "Well then these are free!"
We can now get into every club with the flash of a card. Dear CityWalk Party Pass, thanks for making me feel like a responsible adult.
CityWalk is under one liquor license, meaning I can buy a margarita at the Bob Marley club, walk out with it and bring it into the Red Coconut without having to chug next to the trash can at the front of the line. This place is like Baywalk, if Baywalk were to do steroids out of a meth pipe soaked in THC.
As they begin kicking out everybody who's squealing under the hazy age of 21, I wondering if it would be possible to live here.
I was bobbing along efficiently until we got to Margaritaville. They had it in for me. Our free birthday shot resembled something like a rainbow, with 3 perfect layers of color. Red, yellow and delicious. It tasted like a bucket of maraschino cherries and I couldn't really taste anything the rest of the night after ingestion. I love you, Jimmy Buffett.
The Bob Marley club has a cool vibe. Live reggae beats with red flickering lights pulsed through my veins, right behind the tequila. I remember licking all of the rock salt off my glass and sucking down the Jose Cuervo to lonely ice cubes.
The rest of the bars seem repetitive. However, it could have been caused by my tequila lenses, distorted reality and extreme lack of judgement involving everything except my undying habit of chain smoking when I drink heavily. Crushing the tobacco to get that sweet, sweet menthol is the only activity I can handle at this level of drunk.
I hardly ever drink anymore. On most nights, I would rather slosh around in sweatpants and play Guitar Hero than go out to bars filled with the village drunkards, eye-gouging lights and bass that shakes the ice in my $6 Captain and OJ.
But for you, Orlando? I'll make the exception.
I pull into my driveway and ease on the brake; my Hell Boy's had enough for one weekend. I open the back door so Amber can grab her bags and finally realize what today's monkey wrench will be in the Life of Nicole Danielle Miller.
I paid for my burger. I had it. My back right pocket. Grabbed my bag. They weren't back yet.
I scream the word Fuck loud enough to echo into my neighbor's backyard.
Where the fuck was that Five Guys?! Ok, we were by Auburndale. No, maybe it was by Dinosaur World. Yea, I didn't think I would need a receipt for a slab of cow covered in cheese.
"Do you have your Wendy's receipt?" I text to Amber in a frantic stream of panic and nausea. I quickly delete the typos caused by the sticky keys of my Verizon P.O.S.
863-816-7600. I describe my current predicament to the Wendy's secretary; his level of empathy seems a bit burnt out. "This is Lakeland?" I ask excitedly. Our exit could have been the gateway to Hell and I wouldn't have remembered how to get there. My abandoned wallet is somewhere on a road named Socrum Loop.
I kick myself for forgetting. I remember laughing through the raindrops on my window when we turned off of the exit ramp. Did that say Scrotum Loop?
"Yep, that's you!" says the Five Guys GM. "It still has all of your cash and 3 Visas. Just ask for Kim or Donald when you get here."
Sarah volunteers to accompany me on the urgent Lakeland trip. "So I was thinkin..." she says. "Maybe we could stop by the Hard Rock in Tampa on the way home and stick a 20 in a slot machine, see if we win and leave." Double Hard Rock? It's settled.
I decide to put in only $1 at the first machine until I figure out this crazy array of flashy hieroglyphics. I quickly print out my $1 voucher and give up.
The second machine is very aquatic. Rows of seashells and underwater creatures. Why are there so many buttons? I just want to spin the shit. I take another $1 voucher and relocate once more.
I plop down at a machine dubbed Early Retirement; the bright logo depicts a baby in a clothespinned diaper with a bag of bulging cash. Sounds good to me. I shove my neglected voucher in the slot and play around with betting amounts, lines and bets per line. OOOooooOOo I have $4.37. $8.39. $15. 24.
$230.84.
I pound the print button.
It's the one that says Bad Mutha Fucka.
I don't like to be the one driving on road trips; I have the sense of direction of a compass out of the 99 cent bin at Big Lots. I don't mind letting my friends drive the Hell Boy, though.
"I'm famished," I say to Sarah, as I suck the last drop of juice off of my blue raspberry Ring Pop. We need sustenance and everyone is hell-bent on going to Wendy's.
I haven't eaten there in over 7 years. My mom and I went to a local Wendy's for lunch one day and watched flies buzz around after the cashier released them from the locked compartment of the trash bin. And oh, the smell. The rotting stench of Heinz 57, stale bread crumbles and masticated cow, conveniently located in an accessible black sack, easily exposing the oxygen in that public eating establishment. I want Five Guys.
We pull off of a random exit on 275 and Sarah drops me off in front of Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Sarah, Amber and Jenny head to Wendy's Shithole as I bee-line towards the counter for a real burger. My taste buds still house a tangy raspberry flavor. My face looks like I've just eaten a Smurf, but my lingering hangover cures the need for me to care.
I grab my new bag of grease to nurture last night's blood alcohol concentration, take a quick piss and jump back into my Suzuki that Sarah has gracefully swung into the parking lot.
Last night reached monumental proportions. The Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando will for sure be an annual woo-let's-spend-money-and-get-shit-housed kind of bonding thing for myself and the best friends a person could wish for and actually receive.
Last year Jenny and I celebrated a birthday weekend Hard Rock style. And since we found cockroaches and bed bugs in our room, we figured we would wait a whole year to use our free night stay and do it again.
It started in the room this year. Cherry Sprite bombs and Parrot Bay. Hypnotic and Captain Morgan. Vodka, vodka and. . .
"It's your birthdays?!" said the jolly fat man at CityWalk box office. "Well then these are free!"
We can now get into every club with the flash of a card. Dear CityWalk Party Pass, thanks for making me feel like a responsible adult.
CityWalk is under one liquor license, meaning I can buy a margarita at the Bob Marley club, walk out with it and bring it into the Red Coconut without having to chug next to the trash can at the front of the line. This place is like Baywalk, if Baywalk were to do steroids out of a meth pipe soaked in THC.
As they begin kicking out everybody who's squealing under the hazy age of 21, I wondering if it would be possible to live here.
I was bobbing along efficiently until we got to Margaritaville. They had it in for me. Our free birthday shot resembled something like a rainbow, with 3 perfect layers of color. Red, yellow and delicious. It tasted like a bucket of maraschino cherries and I couldn't really taste anything the rest of the night after ingestion. I love you, Jimmy Buffett.
The Bob Marley club has a cool vibe. Live reggae beats with red flickering lights pulsed through my veins, right behind the tequila. I remember licking all of the rock salt off my glass and sucking down the Jose Cuervo to lonely ice cubes.
The rest of the bars seem repetitive. However, it could have been caused by my tequila lenses, distorted reality and extreme lack of judgement involving everything except my undying habit of chain smoking when I drink heavily. Crushing the tobacco to get that sweet, sweet menthol is the only activity I can handle at this level of drunk.
I hardly ever drink anymore. On most nights, I would rather slosh around in sweatpants and play Guitar Hero than go out to bars filled with the village drunkards, eye-gouging lights and bass that shakes the ice in my $6 Captain and OJ.
But for you, Orlando? I'll make the exception.
I pull into my driveway and ease on the brake; my Hell Boy's had enough for one weekend. I open the back door so Amber can grab her bags and finally realize what today's monkey wrench will be in the Life of Nicole Danielle Miller.
I paid for my burger. I had it. My back right pocket. Grabbed my bag. They weren't back yet.
I scream the word Fuck loud enough to echo into my neighbor's backyard.
Where the fuck was that Five Guys?! Ok, we were by Auburndale. No, maybe it was by Dinosaur World. Yea, I didn't think I would need a receipt for a slab of cow covered in cheese.
"Do you have your Wendy's receipt?" I text to Amber in a frantic stream of panic and nausea. I quickly delete the typos caused by the sticky keys of my Verizon P.O.S.
863-816-7600. I describe my current predicament to the Wendy's secretary; his level of empathy seems a bit burnt out. "This is Lakeland?" I ask excitedly. Our exit could have been the gateway to Hell and I wouldn't have remembered how to get there. My abandoned wallet is somewhere on a road named Socrum Loop.
I kick myself for forgetting. I remember laughing through the raindrops on my window when we turned off of the exit ramp. Did that say Scrotum Loop?
"Yep, that's you!" says the Five Guys GM. "It still has all of your cash and 3 Visas. Just ask for Kim or Donald when you get here."
Sarah volunteers to accompany me on the urgent Lakeland trip. "So I was thinkin..." she says. "Maybe we could stop by the Hard Rock in Tampa on the way home and stick a 20 in a slot machine, see if we win and leave." Double Hard Rock? It's settled.
I decide to put in only $1 at the first machine until I figure out this crazy array of flashy hieroglyphics. I quickly print out my $1 voucher and give up.
The second machine is very aquatic. Rows of seashells and underwater creatures. Why are there so many buttons? I just want to spin the shit. I take another $1 voucher and relocate once more.
I plop down at a machine dubbed Early Retirement; the bright logo depicts a baby in a clothespinned diaper with a bag of bulging cash. Sounds good to me. I shove my neglected voucher in the slot and play around with betting amounts, lines and bets per line. OOOooooOOo I have $4.37. $8.39. $15. 24.
$230.84.
I pound the print button.
It's the one that says Bad Mutha Fucka.
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