Where to stuff your face in the District of Columbia

Don't let anyone fool you — tasting local cuisine is just as important as draining a memory card in some museum somewhere when you're traveling around the planet. But if you happen to land in Washington, DC, here are five places you have to check out:


1. Wok and Roll, Chinese and Japanese Restaurant

That's some monstrous crab!
Tiger Roll (left), Spider Roll (right). 

     This place is in Chinatown, so there's your first clue that the food is a step up from the plastic foam tray that usually drives itself to your front door. I mean, look at the Spider Roll. The four pieces are all you need, with almost a quarter crab stuffed into the two end pieces. The circumference of the Spider was significantly larger than the Tiger Roll (8 pieces), and called for unfortunate disassembly to fit in my face.
     But Wok and Roll's Spider also converted my favorite boy's taste buds to soft-shell crab for the first time. We split half a Peking Duck ($15.95) as well, which is matched with fresh onions, Hoising Sauce (slightly brackish tang) and "pancake."The pancake turned out to be little, weightless tortillas, like the wrap of a spring roll. If you've never had a duck burrito in Chinatown, please do it once.

Too tasty to quack. And crispy on top.

This place will wok your face off.

604 H Street Northwest, Washington, DC 20001

202.347.4656

www.wokandrolldc.com

2. Potbelly Sandwich Shop

It's Subway and Cracker Barrel after a head-on collision. Sandwiches are automatically toasted, because they just know. Choose between the Originals size or the Bigs. IBC Cream Soda in a glass bottle and hand-spun milkshakes/malts. Live music on certain days. I've been scarred by sandwich chains in the past, finding that every sandwich ingredient usually tastes like plastic and/or Windex, requiring sauce to make it bearable. Potbelly's Grilled Chicken & Cheddar is totally bangin' and I added some bacon for less than a buck. Pair it with a bag of Zapp's Sour Cream & Creole Onion chips and you're set until dinner. More than 240 Potbelly Sandwich Shops are scattered across the United States, but that doesn't mean there's one near you. Cherish it if you find one.

http://www.potbelly.com/Food/OurMenu.aspx?subPage=Sandwiches



3. PhoWheels . . . "For Realz"

On my last day in DC, the fat kid in me was saddened for not finding one local food truck to try on this vacation. On our way to the National Museum of Crime & Punishment — I'm pretty sure I even squealed — I was lucky enough to spot this crazy black and white Pho truck parked by the stretch of sidewalk ahead of us. 



As much as I love Pho, it was way too hot for soup cravings that day. It was the perfect excuse for me to score Saigon Eggrolls (2/$4). End to end, both rolls together equalled about a foot of crispy pork and shrimp, not to mention a mini cup of fish sauce. Phock. Yeah.

Saigon Eggroll

4. RFD - Regional Food & Drink

Yes, that's a Jumbo Bavarian Pretzel. Uh huh. 

Hopes and Dreams.

Luckily, I have friends living in DC who could point us to local hangouts and restaurants instead of sand traps just waiting for a tourist's dollar. RFD is also in Chinatown, but it's more of a sports bar/beer garden gig. When I think sports bars with keg buffets, I think of Beef O' Brady's because every sports bar is essentially Beef O' Brady's with or without Irish flair, but RFD has some spark. We started out with the Crab Stuffed Pretzel smeared with homemade crab dip and melty cheddar jack — the added Old Bay is a nice touch. 
     I went with Schlafly Pumpkin Ale ($6.50/glass) while we waited for our meals, which is a glass of bubbly pumpkin pie with a little buzz. You can almost taste the cinnamon, too. For dinner I went with the Beef & Bleu sandwich, which was not at all what I'd expected. This was not salty lunch meat roast beef that had been soaked in extra salt with a side of salt, but rather perfectly cooked pot roast on straight-up ciabatta bread. With the added bleu cheese, caramelized onion, horseradish mayo and homemade potato chips it was food coma time. 
After a couple more Schlafly, that is. 

810 7th Street NW - 202.289.2030
www.lovethebeer.com


5. Co Co. Sala

Free frozen hot chocolate sip
before your salad

You've made it this far, so trust me when I say this place will easily be $100 with two people, but it's so worth it you'll relive the meal in your head for the rest of your life. The chocolate theme melts through the entire place, from the intimate setting to cacao-inspired ingredients in almost every dish. Our night started at the bar, and you know it's high scale when you see a jar of cucumber slivers instead of half-deydrated lime quarters next to the bartender. We tried the Fetish first, a smoothie-like cocktail with strawberry foam and a chocolate-infused vodka that would put Willy Wonka to bed. The foam creates a perfect froth-liquid ratio with a submerged chocolate covered strawberry too big for one bite. The Co Cojito is also worth a sip; the chocolate-infused vodka is so good it's silly — think vodka filtered through a Hershey's candy bar.

Homemade lil buns. So cute. 

We happened to dine during Restaurant Week with a fixed dinner price of $35.12 per person and special menu items. Your choice of salad, two "Co Co. Bites" and one of two dessert options. The Summer Peach Salad was devoured immediately, but how can you resist Chocolate Brioche Croutons? For the Bites I chose Garlic Shrimp Mac & Cheese (with jalapeño and mini penne) and beef sliders with co co. mole sauce. Steve used our special occasion to try crab cakes for the first time and Co Co. Sala got him hooked. I tried to convince him not to get crab cakes from Ruby Tuesday the next day because I knew he would be disappointed. He was. So put on your fancy pants, grab a taxi and go with someone you like lots.

Grand Finale: Chocolate Onyx. COMPLETELY. RIDICULOUS. And yum.

www.cocosala.com
929 F STREET NW, WASHINGTON, DC 20004
202.347.4265

Why USA TODAY is a steaming pile of contradiction.

Welcome to America where freedom of speech is for everyone (if you have a Facebook account, a photo and four friends). - USA TODAY

Facebook has made a profound mark on the world, I get it. However, I choose not to be friends with malware that comes in a fun package to make people money. That is my choice. The perplexing part is, I've started seeing more scenarios lately — outside of Facebook — that require me to have a Facebook account.

For example, USA TODAY, an American newspaper, requires readers to have a Facebook account to comment on news articles and participate in open discussion of news. That's right. A newspaper that bleeds red, white and blue doesn't care about what you have to say unless there is emphasis on the white and blue. I noticed this a few months ago, but hang on to your idioms because it's gotten worse. Now, USA TODAY requires each reader to operate on Facebook, display a photo of themselves and be connected with four 'friends' in order to post a visible opinion about nationwide news.

I decided to ask USA TODAY Opinion a series of questions via my Twitter handle, @Evictthesewords:

1. Yeah, why do you exclude people from commenting on public interest news stories unless they have a Facebook? @USATOpinion ‪#AskusaToday‬ 


2. Do you think media lack integrity when the only way to express an opinion on a story requires a Facebook account?‪#askusatoday‬ @USATOpinion 


3. Does @USATODAY get paid by Facebook to exclude members of society who don't have a Facebook account for commenting?‪ #askusatoday‬

4. Why is it relevant to require a Facebook photo and least four friends to post a comment on an online news story?‪#askusatoday‬ @USATOpinion 

5. Do you think it's ethical for a news publication to work for Facebook? ‪#askusatoday‬ @USATOpinion 


6. Facebook permeates almost every aspect of life now. Don't you think public interest news should remain unbiased?‪#askusatoday‬ @USATOpinion 

"@EvictTheseWords Sorry you object to our commenting policy. We understand many users are not interested in using Facebook to comment. " - @USATOpinion 

7. So you "understand" but don't care. Is that what you're saying? ‪#askusatoday @USATOpinion

8. Since commenting online requires a Facebook account, do you only care about sponsored opinions? Biased much?‪#askusatoday‬ @USATOpinion 

"@EvictTheseWords Our aim is to encourage high-quality and relevant contributions." - @USATOpinion 

"@EvictTheseWords By holding commenters accountable for their actions via Facebook, we hope to keep conversation interesting and stimulating." - @USATOpinion 

9. "Holding users accountable..." So you want people to censor what they really think by fearing accountability?‪#askusatoday‬ @USATOpinion

10. Can't you do the same thing by letting users log in through email or Twitter? It's FB or no way. Makes no sense.‪#askusatoday‬  @USATOpinion 

11. Does Facebook pay you or do you pay Facebook?‪#askusatoday‬ @USATOpinion 

 "We're not trying to exclude anybody, @EvictTheseWords. We're aiming for civil discussion. Stay tuned for possible video answer.‪#askusatoday‬" - @USATOpinion

12. Civil discussion that includes a specific group of people. Not everyone. Only people with a FB account, photo & four friends. @USATOpinion 

13. What's the point in me "staying tuned" when I can't participate in discussion? That's what you're not understanding. Exclusion. @USATOpinion 


Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but the last time I checked, a publication caters to its audience. In this case, the audience is the United States of America. That's 313,961,415 people, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, July 16 2012. Checkfacebook.com, a daily tracker that uses data from Facebook's advertising tool, claims 155,707,160 Americans currently use Facebook today. For the 158,254,255 U.S. citizens leftover, USA TODAY redirects their freedom of speech to the virtual dumpster.

It's kind of silly how a nationwide publication supports online social discrimination in the Land of the Free. It's also silly that USA TODAY claims its Facebook commenting policy aims to "hold commenters accountable for their actions," but completely disregards sources like Gmail, Twitter, blogs and other outlets for readers to present themselves and amplify their opinions about news.

So, is this a matter of money? Does Facebook slide a dollar into the USA TODAY wallet every time a user comments on a piece of news? Does USA TODAY pay Facebook for the commenting feature so articles will spread quicker on the largest social network in the world, so it doesn't have to waste time with other internet outlets? Do news media want to spy on us too?

We can never really know. But speaking as one of the 158,254,255 Americans who would like to live a Facebook-free life and still have a valued opinion, I kindly invite USA TODAY to go fuck itself.




https://twitter.com/EvictTheseWords (July 15, 2012)
http://www.census.gov/population/www/popclockus.html
http://www.checkfacebook.com//
http://www.facebook.com/pages/CheckFacebookcom/101117322782?sk=info
http://www.usatoday.com/news/story/2011-11-28/Facebook-comments-FAQ/51451552/1

Local Munchtime: Dragon Phoenix in Tyrone and why you should call them.

Being that I have three jobs — one of which I don't even get paid for — it's no surprise that when Saturday seeps in, it's five-star Lazy Time. When my favorite boy arrives, Lazy Time morphs into Slugville, where the most strenuous activity obtained is screaming at Crash Bandicoot on my Playstation 2 while waiting for pork fried rice to drive itself to my door step.

Don't get me wrong — chinese take-out will always remain a total carb salad with a side of sodium. But sometimes Sweet-n-Sour meat and Krab Rangoon is the only cure for... anything. As most chinese restaurants and platters tend to overlap with similar taste and options, it can be hard to find that one establishment that steals your heart while putting you at risk for heart disease regularly (but you like it). 

The answer, my friends, is Dragon Phoenix on Bay Pines Boulevard.

Sweet-n-Sour is my jam all the way, but sometimes I have a hard time choosing between chicken or pork. I've asked places to make exceptions for me, offered to pay nonsense upcharges and have even been turned away from the dinner combo I so desire. Dragon Phoenix will give me both in one dinner, as well as a spring roll instead of an egg roll. I usually ask to switch my egg roll to a spring, but Dragon Phoenix just knows. 

Their side of Krab Rangoon comes with TEN pieces. Ten. Not four or six. But actually enough to split with someone and enjoy as the integrity of a side dish should be comprised. The dinner comes perfectly compacted in a microwavable tray, with pork fried rice that wasn't rushed in the kitchen; when I get pork fried rice as a pile of firm, separated tidbits inedible with the prongs of a fork, it makes my soul die a little. And the bites of pork are actual bites that you can stab and put in your mouth instead of bacon bits spray painted like pork. 

Not only are the standard dinner essentials present, but Dragon Phoenix dinners also include soup (the egg drop is killer) and those crunchy noodle-chip things that resemble Fritos but don't make me feel like a fat American after consumption. And for thirteen bucks? Sign me up. Forever.




Dragon Phoenix
9621 Bay Pines Boulevard
St. Petersburg, FL 33708
727.399.8646

I'm not embarrassed to say I'm a Friends fiend.

I am embarrassed to say that I've seen so many reruns that Rachel and Ross have given conflicting birthdays in different episodes. For example, in The One With Joey's New Girlfriend, Rachel tells Gunther her birthday is May 5th, but in the episode where she's pulled over in Monica's Porsche by Sergeant Sagittarius, it's stated that she is in fact an Aquarius. 


When Ross starts to mention his birthday to Gunther, he only gets to "December..." before Gunther storms off, blatantly caring only about his creepy infatuation with Rachel. Episodes later, Ross claims his birthday as a specific date in October that would make him a Libra. I can't remember the exact date at this millisecond in time, but when I heard it, I cross-checked a Zodiac website to see if that would make him a Libra because I'm sick and need help.


I know I blame a galaxy full of problems on my mother, but I'm not going to dismiss this opportunity to blame this one on her as well. As my friend Brian would say, "Here's some deep-seated psychosis, ya'll! Pull up a chair." 


I remember clapping along (well, the four claps) to the Friends theme song with my mom before I was even old enough to understand the condom jokes. When Chandler regretted buying that 12-pack of condoms is when my mom explained, "it's a balloon thing that the man puts on his penis to have sex." I still laugh every time Chandler has his regrets about the dozen condoms. And now, I even understand why men need balloon things to have sex. I also know that thinner balloon things are for the better, but that's besides the point I'm making here people. 


The point is, not one person should know that Friends airs on CW, TBS and Nickelodeon every weekday, nor should they be able to recite the lineup. I won't recite the lineup per channel, but I will say that I am strangely proud of being one in a crowd that realizes when Nickelodeon stops airing Friends 11:00 pm - 1:00 am, so it can start airing That 70's Show 12:00 am - 1:00 am instead. That shit only lasted a week before the two-hour Friends mini-marathon returned every night. 


And that's why there should be sitcom psyche wards.